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One Of the Reasons I Don't Write

This is NOT about excuses.  Anyone who chooses to blog has plenty of excuses why they don't write.  Life is good at giving a person excuses.  This is about choice.  Why do I choose not to write when I have things I would like to write about?


I am very introspective.  Speaking is hard for me at times and thinking comes easy.  With all the thinking comes many... thoughts.  These thoughts are valueable to me and help me understand the world I live in, the lives around me, what I value, and potential paths for the future.  Those thoughts are what I think about writing about.  But then I think, "Why should anyone value my thoughts?"  This is not a belittling thought, it is a logical thought for me.  I value my thoughts because they are mine.  I don't know why anyone else would find value in knowing how I perceive the world or care what kind of weird philosophical things enter my mind so I don't blog about them.


This parallel reason stems from the same though process.  I don't always like what I write or what I think.  Though I value my thoughts, they are often a process, not a final decision on a subject.  Anyone who is willing and yerning to learn knows that you can't lock your mind to new ideas.  If I did that, God could not grow me.  If I decided at nine years-old that I knew everything there was to know about God, how narrow and silly my views would be today.  I would have restricted God's ability to work in my life and build me into a better person and anyone who knew me at nine years-old knows that I needed to be a better person.  So to write my thoughts on this blog (publicly) would be to expose my incomplete decision on any one subject.


I have kept many journals though I have not done so in the past seven years, at least.  When I come across these old journals, I don't read them; I burn them.  I have no desire to see where my mind was at that time.  I remember plenty of the emotions and thoughts from when I wrote at that time and I don't want to read it again.  I don't want anyone else to read those outpours of emotion and reasoning either.  They are best destroyed so I can move on to what is to come.  If I am to write on this blog of the things that pass through my mind on a weekly basis, I feel as though it will become a similar outcome.  I have read through some of my blog posts from a blog several years ignored floating around cyberspace and I didn't really like it.  I don't like to look back at the things I wrote about and how I felt at that time.  


Lastly, I don't understand the consequences of our current communication explosion.  Social media is rampant and it isn't even understood.  It feels like I'm watching a cigarette ad from the 20's when women were told cigarettes were healthy, they made you thin, and they tightened the skin on your face.  We know cigarettes don't do those things unless you count dying from lung cancer as a desired path to lose weight.  I have given up Instagram.  I gave up Facebook years ago.  I think everyone being concerned with everyone else's life is taking away from their own self improvement and introspection.  Why do I care what the Kardashians are putting up on Twitter or what Dan Bilzarrian's newest vice is?  If we don't understand the real consequences of our social media addiction and are out of control with connectivity, why should I add to the disease?  


I don't think people care or maybe I don't think people should care what I have to say.  Even when I have some philosophical thought I think others will benefit from, I realize the people who may need to read it will never find this blog anyway.  Even if the words I think I should write find the people I think should read them, it is quite possible I was wrong and I just exposed some poor sould to my incorrect, incomplete though.  So I don't write much.  When I do, it is usually factual and simple.  


As I write this, I am arguing the side my mother-in-law will probably argue in the comments and I am arguing the side many caring people would like to tell me.  "None of us are perfect, we all share in our growth."  "The journey is to be enjoyed and growth is never done."  "Someone may be going through what you are right now and they need to hear someone else is struggling with them or thinking the way they are."  But there are thousands of other blogs, posts, tweets, stories, etc. that a person can find to help them.  The quiet is what I enjoy.  I write to help me understand my own thoughts then I burn the paper afterward so I can continue to the next stage of growth rather then dwell on how small I was.


Enjoy some quiet.  Unplug.  Think.  Be a little introspective.  



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